


It's Not About Death, It's About Life

by auwana



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, Fix-It, NOT endgame compliant, Spoilers for Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 21:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18786922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auwana/pseuds/auwana
Summary: Natasha's life after the snap, and the fallout for Maria when the universe is saved.





	It's Not About Death, It's About Life

**Author's Note:**

> It's been two years since I've wrote for this fandom. Endgame gave me so many feels. This fic was initially Endgame compliant. Then I remembered that Canon misfires often.

Natasha stood at the entrance of the Avengers compound and watched the convoy make its way up the drive. All that remained of Shield fit into so little. The Bus was landing on the airstrip behind the building at her back. A handful of Quinjets came down in the field to her left.

Natasha swallowed thickly. Maria had loved the handful of chances she got to pilot the 'jets. Taking a deep breath, Natasha cast aside the memories. Now wasn't the time.

Melinda May stepped out of the first SUV and Natasha met her halfway. The agent didn't take off her sunglasses, and Natasha wondered if her eyes were as red as her own.

Natasha nodded in greeting. "Long time no see, May."

"Good to see you all the same, Romanoff."

She managed a small smile. May had been one of the few who didn't side eye Natasha at the beginning of it all. "Let's get your people settled and fed. We can figure out operations tomorrow."

May nodded and fell in step with her as they headed to the barracks. She motioned for the slowly disembarking agents to follow. "Hey. They're your people, too. We're here for each other."

"Yeah." Natasha sighed. "What's left of us, anyway."

* * *

It hadn't taken long to settle Shield into the compound. There had already been a contingent of Shield on-site. Everyone found something they were familiar with and got to work. The world was still turning, and they needed to help keep the peace.

Natasha found herself keeping in contact with the now scattered Avengers and associates. Okoye was willing to have open communications to maintain world order, and Rhodey went where the fragments of official governments asked for allies. Nebula, Rocket, and Danvers reported back due to having nowhere else to go. Thor...Thor settled his people and set down his weapon. Natasha could respect his privacy. She did the same for Tony and Pepper. Bruce was, again, on walkabout.

Clint...Clint was in the wind.

Steve was busy in NYC, trying to keep everyone working together. Last Natasha heard, he was encouraging the effort to turn Central Park into farmland. Steve was her more direct eyes on the ground, though he rarely sent more than an e-mail. She understood his loss; after just getting Bucky back, he was gone.

Natasha, at least, had always had Maria at her side.

It took two months, but Natasha was surprised to wake up one day running through the list of things to do rather than the list of those gone. She paused and stared at herself in the mirror. The bags were gone from her eyes, though she certainly wasn't happy. She saw in herself the last thing she expected: determination.

Just as well. It's what Maria would've wanted.

* * *

Natasha looked over at May and pressed her lips together. May was far more willing to roll her eyes while the scientist turned away. Stifling a sigh, Natasha sat up and cleared her throat. "Where does this leave us in terms of fuel supply, Agent McKay?"

"We have about seven months left before we need to either find more or consider other options, Director."

The room paused. Natasha raised an eyebrow. The scientist swallowed, then continued as if he hadn't made a mistake. Half an hour later, Natasha stopped in front of the office she and May had claimed as their own. (Neither liked the idea of being in an office alone, though that went unspoken.)

"We work with funny assholes," Natasha said as she stared at the door.

"But are they wrong?" May pushed the door open, and Natasha made a face.

She had to give the agents credit where it was due.

Etching "Director Romanoff" and "Assistant Director May" on a door before they got there was damn efficient. 

* * *

Life got...less sad. Natasha eventually started laughing again, rarely, as well as smiling and meaning it. Every day became less going through the motions and more taking another step forward. Plans went further than a few weeks.

It felt like an accomplishment when they set something to check again in a year.

Thinking about Maria was easier. Talking about her...so few knew Maria as a person. Natasha usually drank with May on the roof of the barracks and reflected on how their friends in command would've dealt with all the bullshit that had come with the snap. Every once in a great while, she would trade tales of Maria for Steve's stories of Bucky.

She didn't wish Clint was around. He had lost more than she ever could. She couldn't ask him to start again or continue on, no matter how much she wanted him at her side.

Six months became a year, became two years, became three years. Natasha could look at pictures of Maria without her chest feeling like it would cave in. She could take pictures without being bitter about the point or anxious about it being the last memory with that person.

Hearing "Director Romanoff" was expected. The handful of agencies outside Shield used it casually as well.

Natasha's life had sure taken a winding path.

That, at least, was better than how she began.

* * *

"Don't." Clint glanced at her out of the corners of his eyes. "Don't give me hope."

Natasha linked her fingers with his. "I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you sooner."

He squeezed her hand. She calmed her heart. With Clint, with everyone regrouping for the first time in years, there was the sliver of a chance. A chance of what, Natasha wasn't too sure yet. But it was new and full of potential. She could take what she could get.

* * *

Seeing Bruce at ease with all of himself was...interesting. Learning just how much Thor had slipped away made Natasha wish she had tried harder. Tony had built a life for himself and Natasha was happy for him; he, out of all of them, knew what it was to well and truly reach rock bottom. Thanos hadn't taken everything the way Stane had.

Sitting around the table with the same five people who had started on this crazy, fucked up journey with her back on the Helicarrier gave her some kind of stupid hope. They had come this far. With their new allies (friends?) this wild idea of Lang's might be possible.

They just had to get Thor to sober up.

"Guys, if you pick the right year, there are three Infinity Stones in New York."

Tony went still. Picking up his head, he grinned at her just a little. "You've always my favorite agent."

Natasha tossed a ball of paper at his face. "So I'm forgiven for stabbing you in the neck?"

Bruce made a curious noise next to her, obviously having not heard that particular tale. Made sense, it was one of Tony's worst days.

"I seem to be inclined to forgive everyone this week. Sure, Romanoff, you're forgiven."

She couldn't help the grin on her face. A small victory, but a win all the same.

* * *

There were many precipices Natasha had stood at the edge of in her life. None of them had been both as literal and figurative as Vormir. A soul for a soul.

"This is bullshit," Natasha muttered.

Clint grunted in agreement. "We both know equivalent exchange isn't."

Her lips curled up just a little. Glancing at the apparition of Red Skull, she asked, "How does one soul grant the power of all souls?"

"It is not just the life of one soul, fraulein."

"A soul is more than the living person," Clint mused. "It's everything about that person. All the lives they've touched, and the events that have molded them."

Natasha could see just how interested Red Skull was by their conversation. They were onto something. "It's that soul's potential, too. Everyone and everything they might still affect." She started to pace away from the ledge. "Nebula said Thanos and Gamora came here together, but only Thanos left. If the price is the thing you love most..."

"Thanos, being an asshole, killed his kid." Clint shook his head and also stepped away from the cliff. "You know, I thought I was in a bad headspace the last few years."

"You were kind of a dick."

"I said I was sorry for ignoring you!"

"You weren't around to help me remind everyone I'm NOT director material."

Clint snickered. "That's never gonna not be funny, by the way."

Natasha passed by him while they paced and punched him in the shoulder. "Anyway. What are we sacrificing to this damn rock?"

"Not our lives, that's for damn sure. I promised Laura I'd never die for the cause."

She nodded in agreement. "Can't do anything from a grave." She looked at Red Skull, who was a hint exasperated. "The infinity stones exist on a level beyond most of our comprehension. This one doesn't need someone to die to obtain it. But it does need a soul."

"Which, if we're honest with ourselves, neither of us have much of one left." Clint ran a hand through his hair. "Our kill count combined could populate a small town."

On another pass, she nudged his shoulder with her own. "A lot of those we did together. And, for the most part, were for a better world."

He made a face. "For the most part." He pointed at Red Skull. "After we kill Thanos, I'm coming back here to exorcize your ass. Fucking Hydra..."

Red Skull wisely remained silent.

"Sacrificing what's left of our souls won't get the stone back to Earth," Natasha said. "We'll be lucky to be more than zombies without our souls."

"What if it's not our literal souls?"

Natasha slowed. "Our potential. Everything we'll do."

"Everything we've done." Clint stopped and locked eyes with her. "It crossed your mind, same as it did mine."

She nodded. "I figured, this works, you have a family to go back to."

"You have all of Shield," he shot back.

"Not the same." Taking a deep breath, she said, "But neither of us are dying today."

He nodded once. "But we're losing something."

Whatever it takes.

She smiled a little. "It's been good knowing you, Barton."

"Hey, this works, we'll get a chance to know each other again, Romanoff."

That was something, at least. Natasha faced Red Skull as Clint came to stand beside her. "What does the soul stone think of the people we've become since we met? What does it think of the bonds we have with our team, our family, and all the others we'll have as people we are now?"

"Is everything we've been and could be enough for this damn this?" Clint demanded.

Red Skull looked up as the sky started to glow. "I believe the stone is in agreement."

Natasha linked her fingers with Clint's. He squeezed her hand in return.

The world went dark, quiet, and still.

* * *

Melinda took one look at Romanoff and Barton and stepped into the platform. "Agent Barton, Agent Romanoff. Do you know where you are?"

The rest of the team paused. Good, they were paying attention.

Barton rolled his eyes. "Yeah, May, we know. Avengers compound." He frowned and looked down at the stone glowing in his palm. "It required a sacrifice."

Melinda kept her eyes on both of them. The light in Natasha's eyes was gone, and Clint had an edge to him she hadn't seen in years. She kept her hands away from her weapons, though. That would spook them, and she didn't feel like getting shot. "What kind of sacrifice?"

"Who we are," Natasha said, quiet, firm. "What we could've been."

"I remember you," Clint said, looking around. "But it's hazy. A dream. I know you, but…" He shrugged.

"We don't care," Natasha said, stepping around Melinda and heading for the stairs. "We got the stone. That's what matters."

"Where are you going, Romanoff?" Melinda demanded, not taking her eyes off Clint.

"To shower. Space is dirty." She stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "I don't care about any of you like I think I should, but that doesn't mean there isn't a job to do."

"Shower sounds great." Clint handed the stone to Stark. "Call me when something needs killing."

Melinda took a slow, deep breath as the two spies walked away. "This is not good."

"Correct me if I'm wrong," Steve said, "but did they just trade their souls for the stone?"

"I don't think so," Banner said slowly, frowning in thought. "Not in the way you're thinking, anyway. Natasha said they gave up who they were and could have been. Those two have a connection to outdo the Hulk and me. If they gave up that…"

"Then we have a Red Room assassin and a gun for hire wandering the compound," Stark muttered. "Great. Awesome. This won't end in bloodshed at all." He headed for the stairs. "Friday, keep all eyes on those two."

Melinda followed the team to the lab. If this worked, she would be grateful. She only hoped, after they saved everyone else, they could save Natasha and Clint before the assassins lost themselves to the darkness they spent years escaping. 

* * *

Maria was not surprised to come back from turning into dust to see Melinda May standing nearby. Maria was surprised by the decay of the city around her. Nick came around the car, looking for his bag and their gear.

"Report," he ordered as the three of them closed ranks.

Melinda motioned up the street. "There's a 'jet this way. It's been five years."

Nick swore. Maria swallowed hard. Five years. God, what had happened that it took five years to fix?

Mel looked back at her. "Nat's been alive this whole time." She looked at Nick and grinned, just a little. "Got elected to Director in your absence, sir."

He wasn't surprised. "Of course she did."

Mel paused, then paled. "We need to hurry." She broke out into a run. "The compound's been attacked."

They fell in behind her. Maria noticed the wear and tear on Mel's uniform. Of course, the means to make more clothes would be difficult. A helicopter came in low and started to direct people, telling them all would be explained when they arrived. Once in the Quinjet, Melinda began rapidly ordering all units back to base once they picked up their loads.

"Gimme a rundown," Nick said as he took the copilot's seat.

Maria stood between them, unable to sit due to nervous energy.

"Thanos wiped out half of all life in the universe. Three weeks later, he destroyed the Infinity Stones. Romanoff has kept what was left of the Avengers going. Barton went AWOL, and Rogers stuck to the enclaves that formed in the tri-state area. Stark took Potts upstate, and they lived a quiet life. They have a cute kid." She took a deep breath. "A week ago, Scott Lang was tossed out of some quantum vortex that I don't have the brain power to explain right now and with Stark's help, developed time travel so the team could get the Infinity Stones and undo Thanos' work. From the sounds of it, he's followed them and has destroyed the base."

Nick turned his head sharply. Melinda switched on the comms and brought up a visual from Stark's HUD. The cabin of the 'jet was muted so as not to distract the team.

Everything had gone to shit.

"It's only the Avengers on site," Mel said. "They sent the rest of us to gather Shield." Her grip on the controls shifted. "Maria, about Natasha…"

Maria grit her teeth. "You said she's been alive."

"She has been." She tapped her ear. "Is still alive. But the soul stone required a sacrifice to obtain."

Maria gripped the pilot seats harder.

"She and Barton remember the past five years. They remember everything. But instead of sacrificing one of their lives as Thanos did Gamora, they gave up who they've become since Strike Team Delta formed. From what little they've decided to share with the class, they exchanged the lives they've built and could have made as the Clint and Natasha you know."

"Natasha's how she was when Barton brought her in." Maria nodded once. "Everything we've been through means nothing to her. Okay. Got it."

"We'll get them back, Hill," Nick said, firm and with so much confidence Maria almost believed him. "I'm not losing two of my best people to a god damn glowing rock."

Maria wanted to hope. She did. But the Infinity Stones were beyond anything they'd ever encountered. If Natasha sacrificed her life for something that could affect all of time and space? Well, Maria could only hope Natasha wanted to learn how to love again.

* * *

Maria watched Natasha from the kitchen table as she wandered through the beach house. It was a home away from home; not so much a bolt hole as it was a place where neither of them were agents, spies, Avengers, or more than the woman they were. Barton and Nick knew of it, but Maria was sure no one else did.

Natasha wouldn't relax the way she used to if anyone else knew of the place.

Not that Natasha was at all relaxed these days. Maria had offered to let Natasha find herself. It had hurt Maria to say, but she never wanted Natasha to think of their relationship as a prison, as something Natasha was obligated. They had agreed, years ago, that they could step away from it if needs must. But Natasha wanted to come here, wanted to get away from the last five years.

Maria could at least appreciate Natasha didn't want to get away from her.

"It's all here," Natasha murmured as she sat across from her. "But it's all through a fog, without color." She looked at the cooled mug of tea. "It's knowledge, not an experience I've had." She shook her head and looked up at Maria. "I think I should say sorry, but I don't think I am."

"You chose to save the world." Maria huffed. "The universe, actually. Don't apologize for that."

"But it's hurt you. Us."

"A small price to pay for another chance with you. If that's what you want." Maria wanted to reach out and lace her fingers with Natasha's, but this was the assassin that had come into Shield all those years ago, not the woman who loved her.

Natasha wrapped her fingers around the mug and leaned back, looking around the sun-soaked house. "As much as my instincts are yelling at me to get as far from you as fast as possible, I know those instincts are everything that I left behind so I could save the fucking universe." She looked at Maria. "I did that. Me and Barton were at a point in our lives where we were that selfless. And you were part of that change."

"That doesn't mean you have to retrace your steps." Maria swallowed down the pain. "You can still change without me, Barton, or the Avengers."

She nodded, searching Maria's eyes for something. "I might have given up the person I was after me and Barton met, but I'm still the person he brought in. And we all know I came in willingly."

Maria knew her eyes couldn't hide the hope even as she kept her face blank. There was only so much she could manage around Natasha. Only one of them had gone the last five years alone. No time had passed for Maria's emotions.

"I want the life I had with you," Natasha said. "It was a good life. I want to relearn how to fight with Barton at my back, I want to hear the jokes on the tip of Stark's tongue that he holds back when he remembers I'm not his friend, I want Rogers to stop aborting motions because I tried to dislocate his shoulder when he nudged me last week."

"That was kinda funny."

Natasha rolled her eyes. "Glad to provide entertainment." She took a deep breath. "Have some patience with me?"

"All of it," Maria promised. "Anything you need, whenever you need it."

Natasha smiled slightly. "I hope I can give you the same one day."

"We have time." And they did. Maybe not a lot of it, perhaps the world would stay ended next week. Until then? Maria was going to show Natasha just how much she deserved every chance to be loved.


End file.
